The Colbert Report episode Filter The Colbert Report episode topics

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This type overlays "TV episode", providing additional show-specific data such as "The Word" and the show's opening line.  It includes all shows up to 22 Jul 2007 (at least). more
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x Howell Raines / Moral Minority   I'm America's watchdog: I'm vigilant, I see the world in black and white, and I eat liver and bacon. This is The Colbert Report.   Moral Minority  
x Mark Cuban / Jetpack   Children, get nestled all snug in your beds, while visions of Truth dance in your heads.   Jetpack  
x Madeleine Albright / Fill 'Er Up   (Inhales helium from a balloon.) This is The Colbert Report. Helium Fill 'Er Up  
x Geoffrey Nunberg / Side Effects   Could being a Nielsen family kill you? Watch the entire show to find out. This is The Colbert Report! Nielsen Media Research Side Effects  
x Penn Jillette / Rip-off   It's the first day of November sweeps, and I'm pregnant! Nielsen Ratings Rip-off  
x Brett O'Donnell / Laissez Les Bons Temps Roulez   Wanna prepare the perfect Truthtini? That's two parts vodka, no part fact. Vodka Laissez Les Bons Temps Roulez  
Fact
x Will Power / Wiper Fluid   There's an old saying where I come from: This is The Colbert Report!   Wiper Fluid  
x Elizabeth de la Vega, Francis S. Collins / Case Closed   Hey Partridge in that pear tree - stop eating all those pears! This is the Colbert Report!   Case Closed  
x Stone Phillips / Truthiness   Open wide, baby bird, because mama's got a big, fat nightcrawler of Truth.   Truthiness  
x Alex Kuczynski / Victory!   Don't watch tonight's show if you're in jail, because the truth will set you free. This is The Colbert Report.   Victory!  
x Bill O'Reilly / Go It Alone   Caution, you are about to watch me enter a no spin zone. This is The Colbert Report! The O'Reilly Factor Go It Alone  
x Anne-Marie Slaughter   Hey oscillating fans! Left or right? Pick a side! We're at war! This is The Colbert Report!      
x Linda Hirshman / Single Serving   Hey Mom, check it out! I'm on TV! This is The Colbert Report.   Single Serving  
x Steven Johnson / Gooooaaaaal!   Life is a crap shoot, and I'm your loaded dice. Craps Gooooaaaaal!  
Dice
x Robert Pinsky, Sean Penn / $400 Haircut   A dozen is 12. Bakers, learn how to count. This is The Colbert Report. 12 $400 Haircut  
Baker's dozen
Baker
Dozen
x Ed Viesturs / High Fidelity   It's Pi Day today - 3.14. That must be why I'm acting so irrational. This is The Colbert Report. Pi Day High Fidelity  
x Bob Costas / Lombardi   Get some ice; I've pulled my groin... my enormous groin.   Lombardi  
x William A. Donohue / Opposite Day   I regret that I have but one half-hour to shout at my country. This is The Colbert Report. Nathan Hale Opposite Day  
x Bay Buchanan, Bob Deans   Congratulations, person who won American Idol, I knew it. This is The Colbert Report. American Idol    
x Paul Begala / Wham-O   Let's change the world! But not the channel!   Wham-O  
x Ethan Nadelmann / Facts   On the 15th day of Christmas, your true love gave you me. This is The Colbert Report! The Twelve Days of Christmas Facts  
x Elaine Pagels / Plan B   I'd never get a $400 haircut. I'd get $100 haircuts four times a week. This is The Colbert Report. John Edwards Plan B  
x Malcolm Gladwell / Who Cares?   Tonight the part of Stephen Colbert will be played by, Stephen Col-Bert. The Management regrets any inconvenience. This is The Colbert Report.   Who Cares?  
x Toby Keith / Missed Opportunity   None. "Stephen Jedi" video intro   Missed Opportunity  
x Connie Chung / Stop It   From the creators of The Colbert Report, this is The Colbert Report.   Stop It  
x Ted Koppel / Comic Justice   You got to crack a few eggs to make an omelet. That's not a metaphor, I want someone to make me an omelet. This is The Colbert Report. Metaphor Comic Justice  
Omelette
x Ted Daeschler / Libya   I am The Walrus, Goo goo ka Truth. I Am the Walrus Libya  
x Ron Paul / Pathophysiology   Good News! I just saved money on my car insurance by switching to no car insurance! This is The Colbert Report.   Pathophysiology  
x Lee Silver / T&A   You're in for a real treat tonight... if you are watching this show from an ice cream parlor. This is The Colbert Report!   T&A  
x Ken Jennings / Caveat Emptor   America, I'm about to raise your minimum rage. This is The Colbert Report!   Caveat Emptor  
x James H. Webb, Jr. / Monopoly   Focus on the spot on the wall and breath over the contractions. This truth's coming out head first.   Monopoly  
x Lou Dobbs / Pussy   It's time to jump down, turn around and pick a bale of Truth.   Pussy  
x Neil deGrasse Tyson / Perspective   Strike up the klezmer and start acting like a man. You're about to have a Truth Mitzvah. Klezmer Perspective  
x Maureen Dowd / Xmas   Get ready to make a difference... by watching TV. Television Xmas  
x Doug Bailey   Just six days until my 4th of July fireworks display and just eight days until they're able to put it out. This is The Colbert Report.   Profiles in Timing  
x Neal Katyal / Democrazy   On my show, it's always Shark Week. Enemies of America, you are the chum. This is The Colbert Report. Shark Week Democrazy  
x Christopher Noxon / Monkey Butter   Happy Birthday, America. You may be 230, but if you were a dog, you'd only be 32... but you'd be dead 'cause dogs don't live that long. This is The Colbert Report.   Monkey Butter  
x Daniel B. Smith   Hey Carly Simon! Thanks for writing that song about me! (In reference to her single You're So Vain). "This is The Colbert Report." Carly Simon    
You're So Vain
x Joe Scarborough / R-E-S-P-E-C-T   I don't have a truth problem. I tell the truth, I fall down, no problem. This is The Colbert Report.   R-E-S-P-E-C-T  
x Ariel Levy   None      
x Ayaan Hirsi Ali   Beware - Today's Ides of March alert level is at 'Orange.' This is The Colbert Report. The Ides of March    
x Frank Rich / Superegomaniac   There are three doors; behind one is a tiger, another is the truth, and the last is a closet. Choose wisely. Monty Hall problem/revised Superegomaniac  
x Jeff Swartz / Expecting   I just finished my resume. If anyone asks, this show has been on for 30 years. This is The Colbert Report!   Expecting  
x Barry Lando / Wikilobbying   A, E, I, O, U, and sometimes Y? Consonant or vowel, make up your mind, we're at war. This is the Colbert Report! Vowel Wikilobbying  
Consonant
x William Langewiesche / Supporting Role   Happy belated Mother's Day! This is The Colbert Report. Mother's Day Supporting Role  
x Barry Manilow / Shameless   See you tomorrow night, trick or treaters! Hope you like stationery. This is The Colbert Report! Trick-or-treating Shameless  
Stationery
x Christine Todd Whitman / Aggravated assault   I just saw my shadow Ñ that means six more weeks of Truth!   Aggravated assault  
x Larry King / Bury The Lead   Hey America, are you thinking what I'm thinking? You soon will be. This is The Colbert Report.   Bury The Lead  
x Will Wright / American Orthodox   When it comes to mental gymnastics, I'm an 14-year-old Romanian girl. And I'm gonna stick the landing. This is the Colbert Report! Romania American Orthodox  
x Richard Dawkins / Irreconcilable Differences   I know we've been together for a year now, Nation, but I would still so do you. This is The Colbert Report.   Irreconcilable Differences  
x Mary Roach / Willy Loman   Everyone put your keys in the bowl, it's time for a swinging Truth party!   Willy Loman  
x Bradley Whitford / Shhhh!...   Get on your tippy toes America. You must be this tall to ride the TruthCoaster.   Shhhh!...  
x Brian Greene   Go out ten yards then button hook to the left. I'm gonna hit you with a perfect spiral of Truth.      
x John Kerry / Clean Slate   Some parts of this episode are void in Alaska and Hawaii. This is The Colbert Report. Hawaii Clean Slate  
Alaska
x Tom DeLay, Randy Kearse   If you like The Colbert Report, then you'll love what's coming next. This is The Colbert Report.      
x Nancy Grace   If beauty Truth and Truth beauty, then I look fabulous tonight. Ode on a Grecian Urn    
x Chris Funk, Robert Schneider   Morley Safer replaces Stephen in a parody of the opening of 60 Minutes to announce this episode's main event: the guitar-solo challenge between Stephen and The Decemberists' guitarist Chris Funk. Chris Funk    
The Decemberists
60 Minutes
Morley Safer
x Colin Beavan, Katrina vanden Heuvel   Christos Anestis! This is The Colbert Report! Paschal greeting    
x Lance Armstrong / Bad Medicine   Nation, be mine. This is The Colbert Report.   Bad Medicine  
x Robert Greenwald / F#@k   It's the last show of March. I came in like a lion and I'm going out like a lamb-fed lion.   F#@k  
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